This morning, a news item on online dating hit the front page of Google news in the Health section. An odd placement, I thought at first. But, perhaps not. Online dating — the entire experience, in fact — can cause serious health effects as well as lasting regret.
Buried further into the article was this paragraph:
One downside to Internet dating has to do with one of its defining characteristics: the profile. In the real world, it takes days or even weeks for the mating dance to unfold, as people learn each other’s likes and dislikes and stumble through the awkward but often rewarding process of finding common ground. Online, that process is telescoped and front-loaded, packaged into a neat little digital profile, usually with an equally artificial video attached. That leaves less mystery and surprise when singles meet face to face.
Are you KIDDING? Less mystery and surprise? Clearly, the author of this news item has never ever experienced online dating for herself.
Like reality TV, news and the labels on cosmetics, when it comes to what men write in their profiles, you can not, and should not, be too hasty to take it all at face value. The English language is a beautiful and powerful thing. It can start wars, end wars, persuade you to spend your last dime on a new brand of mascara and it can lead you to think that what this man wrote in his personal profile is the most remarkable piece of fact and forthrightness. Too often, though, the profiles read as bargain book fiction. You might not believe you need special skills to interpret what you read in these profiles, but, frankly, if you don’t develop and use them, it’s buyer beware AND the shock of your life when you find out he’s a loser addicted to reality T.V. and living in someone’s basement with his pet iguana.
So, don’t be misled by the article author’s words. Here’s a short tutorial on how to interpret a man’s personal profile, offered up through actual examples. The misspelled words are theirs, not mine.
Professional executive, financially secure, looking for a woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to ask for it. Someone who enjoys being treated like a lady.
Welcome to a 21st century Neanderthal nightmare. “Someone who enjoys being treated like a lady” means that you can expect to wear whatever he chooses for you and it won’t be comfortable clothing and sensible shoes. Don’t be surprised to find yourself dressed up as his little French maid one day, Trixie the goodhearted prostitute another day, and June Cleaver on another. He doesn’t believe women have worthwhile opinions or independent thoughts, so don’t bother to express any.
Last I am big on personal hygiene and expect the same from the ideal woman for me. If you are missing something in your life and would like to know more send me your photo and I will return with one of mine so we can chat to check out our chemistry.
He’s “big on personal hygiene.” Heard about obsessive-compulsive disorder? You can’t wash your hands enough for this guy. There’s an antimicrobial wash around every corner in his home. Sex with him likely includes a sterile field complete with gloves, facemask and scrubs followed up by a Betadine wash.
I am a hopeless romantic, candlelight, fine wine, hottubs, massages, erotic chats I believe it is all about the one you are with. I am a viril man with a strong libido and I enjoy all forms of intimacy.
All “forms of intimacy,” huh? You CAN get arrested for having sex in Walmart’s parking lot in broad daylight — you know that, don’t you? His “strong libido” means you’ll be having sex whenever HE wants it. It won’t matter if you’ve just returned home from having your appendix removed, either.
I am looking for a girly girl with a positive personality that has a good body. Please no over weight women because it takes too long and is usually too difficult to loose weight. Do not worry about the size of your boobs or if you are presently a perfect 10 we will fix that part later if you want to. I know 99% of the women on Craigslist (or any other dating site) do not look like the women in the photo. I also know there are no ugly women. There are only poor women who do not have the money to make them look really good. Here is my goal, plan, and fantasy. If we meet each other, like each other, and have some things in common with each other and you later become my girlfriend, I will pay for a professional makeover for you at some of the best beauty spas in Salt Lake. This is a win win arrangement for both of us. You will receive a complete and professional makeover that will make you look like a beauty queen and help boost your self esteem. I get a hot looking girlfriend I always dreamed about! We both win!
We have now plumbed the depths of a truly lost soul. Here’s a 54 year old man whose winning approach is to prey on the frailty and misfortune of unattractive, poor women. He thinks his fantasy can be bought. Maybe it can. I suspect this guy is as homely as a dry creek bed. I suspect, too, that he’s never been in a relationship — not even one with his mother. I’m sure this guy has never been married. There’s a law on the books in his town that forbids it. Did you read the fine print? Before this poor woman gets her transformation, she’s got to become his girlfriend. Then, and only then, will he give her 30 bucks to spend at the makeup counter at ShopKo.
The first thing people notice about me is that I always seem to be in good spirits.
Ladies, he’s drunk or stoned 24-7. He can’t start the day without his beer and cornflakes. Or, he’s as three dimensional as a page off his daily affirmations calendar. Don’t look for depth here. Especially don’t look for honest and deep conversation and a forthcoming nature. He’s explored the lint in his navel more than he’s checked out his own psyche.
I would LOVE someone to CHERISH… who is smiles when they wake up in the morning as she reaches for me knowing I will be there for her to love, and to love her in return. I want to call you from work and let you know that I can’t get you off my mind..how much I love you…how i get tingles when you touch me..and how you make me feel when we are together. Someone who likes to play knowing she can be a goodbadgirl with me and still be respected, worshiped, and adored.
Look up the word “smarmy” in the dictionary and you’ll find this guy’s photo. Then, look up the word “stalker,” because next to that word you’ll find his other photo. Life with him will be a special form of incarceration; yes, you’ll have a better mattress and better food, but no parole or escape, unless you flee in the night while he’s sleeping off the “love potion” he seems to exist on.
I was recently divorced from a heartless cold woman and I am looking for a woman with the heart of gold that I can share my life (good and Bad) with. I am always willing to do whatever it takes within my means to make my partner happy, but sometimes people require you to be rich in order to make them happy (lets call them High maintenance).
He’s recently divorced. In fact, the ink isn’t even dry on the papers. It’s possible that he’s writing this right outside the courthouse. He describes the ex as “heartless” and “cold.” How dare she fail to acknowledge his special manliness and refuse to gut and dress the deer he so bravely fought to the ground? And notice that he’s capitalized “Bad.” That wasn’t an accident. Because this one’s either on parole for domestic assault or his gambling problem is so serious the pawn shop has a special room reserved for all his stuff. He’s pretty up front about his financial status. He’s not rich. Better expect a date where you not only pay for the meal and entertainment, but you also pick him up and pay his motel bill. Let’s call him Not Worth Maintenance.
Listen, if you’re going to venture into online dating, or you’re still looking for that special someone on the Internet, take the time to read thoughtfully. Most of us spend at least a half hour analyzing the email messages sent by a coworker or the status update on our friend’s Facebook page. A person you’re thinking of having a relationship with deserves at least that much scrutiny.