Decades beyond childhood, I’ve finally come to realize that all this internal churning, roiling and upheaval can’t be good for one’s health.
And when the blood pressure monitor confirmed this, I decided to make some changes. Meditation seemed to be part of the answer after I finally realized that remaining in a drunken stupor proved to be counterproductive. The stomachache, the stumbling, the sloppy, loud laughing—it’s all so unseemly and unattractive. And when you sober up, the issues that drove the blood pressure up in the first place are still there clawing at your innards.
It’s a new year, a fresh start and time to learn how to cope. Meditation seemed to be the answer. A while back, I believed that one didn’t have to learn how to master this skill. Isn’t it just about sitting comfortably and quietly, eyes closed, in a silent room? Apparently not. Apparently, that’s called napping at work.
A local community center catalog listed a meditation class to be held three evenings in a nearby office. I signed up. I was ready to learn how to meditate.
This new endeavor was heartily encouraged by my sister and my mother. I knew that they had long harbored opinions about my state of anxiety when I reported one evening, “I think I’m an anxious person. I think I carry around a lot of anxiety and worry all the time.”
The look on my sister’s face said it all. Apparently, she had known this fact for years. She had noticed the giant scarlet A for ANXIOUS long before I did. Calling it “full of energy and passion” was a euphemism I had used for living in a constant state of fright and flight. Telling myself that I was just very, very busy was a way to hide and disguise a fretful and wrought up nature.
All right, then. I’m a worrier and a ruminator. I chew on issues well past their expiration date, far beyond their immediacy, until they turn to finely mashed pulp.
On the day of my first meditation class, I was concerned. I was already stressed out about taking a meditation class. That’s not an auspicious start, I agree. And then, by the end of the day, I was both physically and mentally exhausted from work. What good was meditating going to do? I needed a nap!
I trudged off to the class anyway and arrived a little behind schedule to a room filled with other anxious, disquieted adults. I found a chair in the back. I didn’t want to be called upon to answer questions about my anxiety level. I also wanted to nap a little.
The instructor had the perfect voice for teaching us about meditation. Unfortunately, she used it a lot—for almost 50 of the 60 minutes assigned to the class. She tried to help me understand the basic tenets of the meditative mood and practice. She talked about the philosophy behind meditating. It was interesting up to the point that the room began to warm up and the tension from trying to find a parking spot had worn off. Then I just wanted to sleep.
Of course that would have been unlikely and impossible—not because I’m too proud to fall asleep in public, however. No, it was the dude outside of the classroom who decided that 7 pm was the perfect time to roll a flatbed cart up and down the hall. And he continued to do so for the entire class.
But mindful meditation teaches us to not mind these things. The instructor acknowledged the noise but didn’t close the door. Instead, she urged us, in her soft, soothing tones, to “accept the noise, accept the moment, and understand that everything is as it should be right now.”
I tried. I did. I focused on my breathing. I relaxed my limbs. I shut my eyes. But inside, where no one could see, I was out in the hallway, grabbing the inconsiderate little fellow by the collar, thrashing him soundly and throwing his damn cart down the stairwell.
Everything is as it should be right now. I’m going to have trouble with that one. For me, rarely is everything as it should be right now. And after a good deal of time spent ruminating on those “everythings,” I’m likely to get up and ask the offender to delay the cart rolling, stop the loud laughing in the office, cease the whispering in the cubicle next to mine, shut off the cellphone ringing, quit the pencil tapping, and so on.
The second class is next week. I’m bringing ear plugs and a nice pillow.
Sleeping
Sleeping
Almost Sleeping
Drunk
You’re on the right track girl, and I hope you find some peace thru meditation. I’ve been practicing Vipassana or Insight meditation for a number of years (off and on). It takes some getting used to, watching one’s breath, but there’s a world of enlightenment waiting there to be discovered.
Hansi
Thank you, Hansi. I think it’s about time for me to give it a go. I need something. And this doesn’t cost anything – a lot cheaper than a cruise.
I’m sure I must have mentioned this book before: Destructive Emotions:How Can We Overcome Them? — A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama, Narrated by Daniel Goldman (the author of Emotional Intelligence). Although I don’t think Buddhism is for me, that book had a significant impace on the way I approach stressful thoughts and events. All good thoughts to you as you continue learning to just breathe.
…impact…
Thank you, Hippie! I’ll check that out. Thoughts are so very destructive. As bad as sugar or meth, really! And having the same negative ones over and over again are even more destructive. Time for a new me.
Ah, meditation is hard work. But it can be so beneficial. I had quite a positive experience with it some years ago but didn’t keep it up as I wish I had. Good luck with it!
I hope to make it a regular part of my day – like eating or sleeping. I think the benefits will definitely pay off.
You are I are much alike. As a result, I’ve moved in and out of mediation. Currently out, but I hope to get back in. It’s hard, very hard, and the point I’m told is not to “try”, just be. The hands down best book (I always look for a book for everything!) is Cynthia Bourgeault’s Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening. I know it sounds religious, but it’s just basic meditation. I have found it the best one I’ve ever read. All your complaints are very normal. I am just as bothered by “sounds”. I’ve tried ear plugs, and mediation music. It’s in the end, just best to sit. And yes, dozing happens. …Good luck!
Thank you, Sherry, for the advice, support and the recommended book. I’m going to look for it on Amazon today. And I hope to practice and practice until it becomes second nature. I might even attend more meditation classes.
Reblogged this on jennieinman and commented:
I can strongly relate to the words in this article. I have trouble getting those closest to me to understand my thoughts and pains.
I am anxious to hear what happens after you’re at it for a while. I have had a class but no follow up, and it’s easier to do ti when you have company.
I’m not giving up. It’s one of those things that gives back what you put into it. So, it’s up to me to give it my all.
Hell! I was trying to figure out what drugs you were taking until I finally realized you were taking medi-ta-tion classes.
Maybe medi-ca-tions are better, eh?
I’m not above combining the two, Larry!
I am working on meditation too. I get stuck shooing away all the thoughts that spring up the moment I hear the words “let go of your thoughts.” I may be sitting quietly and thoughtless till then, but it is as if a starting gun fires then and the best thoughts I might have all day come racing in
Are you not allowed to have any thoughts during meditation? I’m not sure I can empty my head of all the junk in there. I still have much to learn.
I’d like to throttle the cart guy too.
Thank you, Robin. I hoped someone else out there was also not the “everything is as it should be” type.
I kinda want to bean the teacher too.
I don’t know. I’m not sure I agree with the teacher in that particular moment … I think that may have been stressful for a lot of the people in the class, and I don’t think ignoring problems is the best way to deal with them … but I am the same as you, I find I can get very angry at intrusions like that – so much so that I have begun to wonder if the problem isn’t in fact me now just as much as the intrusion itself. Yesterday I drove for an hour to get away from a constant noise. It was the only way I could cope without completely losing my rag. I’ve been reading a book called ‘A Very Short Introduction to Anxiety’ (Oxford) by Jason and Daniel Freeman. They have some interesting things to say. I still need to be pro-active about the physical aspects of it though – alcohol (not to get drunk, just to take the edge off), warm milk, or chamomile, depending on the desperation of the situation. Also, I think there are times when rest is just exactly what we need – call me crazy. Rest, animals to snuggle, and maybe a little bit of the Serenity Prayer too? – just acknowledging what is stressing us, doing something if we can, and maybe just placing the mind elsewhere somewhere happy somehow if we can’t for whatever reason. But I do think that things like rolling carts generally fall within the limits of ‘things we can change’
Good words, chrysalis! And I feel for you about trying to get away from all the noise. I’m fortunate to live in a part of town that is very quiet most of the day, except in the summer, when the traffic picks up in front of my house. And then, I start to focus on all the cars and I get stressed. My brother in law recently had me try a calming technique before I take my blood pressure – it’s simple: Sit with a dog in your lap, pet it for a good five minutes or so, and then take your blood pressure. It really works to lower it considerably! Now, if I could just carry around one of my pups all day long – especially at work! Perhaps the trick is to imagine that I have a dog in my lap…
Maybe so
Napping at work comes easily to me, but I’ve never tried meditation. Considering that I live in New York City, a place that’s crowded, loud, aggressive, competitive, impatient, and short-fused, I’d be afraid to try meditation. What if I lost my well-honed edge? If you don’t cleave to meditation after you finish your third class, it might behoove you to consider moving out here. You’ll likely blend right in, and no one would think any less of you if you shouted at the dolt rolling the cart up and down the hall, “What is wrong with you? Shut the hell up out there!” And then added for good measure, “There’s a mediation class going on in here. No one can get in a single solitary mellow thought thanks to your ridiculous racket, you asshole!” Or, you might want to take boxing classes. That might be a nice way to let off steam and tone your arms.
You are so hilarious! And you have a good point there. Perhaps I’m just a fish out of water here in Idaho. It sounds like I’d fit right in where you live and at least I’d have company when annoying cart rollers intrude on my peace. And if I can find a class that combines boxing and meditation, I’m all for that. That sounds like the answer.
Don’t ever lose your edge, V. It’s why you’re so funny.
Something that is making me SUPER edgy right now, Jean, is that it’s been hit and miss with WordPress showing responses to my comments in my notification bar! This response from you was missing! Grrrrrrrrrrr. I suspect that being edgy is hardwired into my DNA Jean.
How annoying! Really, there is nothing like computer problems that can raise my BP so much. There’s never anyone around to pummel when you’re experiencing them.
This glitch seems to be with WordPress. Have you tried to find a way to contact one of their Happiness Engineers directly? It’s easier to reach Jesus.
That business about embracing the noise really does work if you can pull it off. It worked for me back in the years of the Annual Canadian Fly-In Fishing Trips. My buddy is one of those who falls asleep the instant his head hits the pillow. It takes me much longer. We both snore, but no problem for him.
It was when I stopped fighting the noise, stop trying to not hear it, that it stopped being so annoying. It wasn’t a case of pushing down annoyance, of trying to not be annoyed. It stopped being annoying.
Tricky state to accomplish sometimes, but perhaps that’s what the meditation is about? Learning to find that path more easily? [shrug]
I’ll be very interested in hearing your experiences here. I’ve always been vaguely curious about meditation, but never knew anyone who was into it.
I think you’re right about the noise, thing. Trying to not “hear” something is probably impossible. I suppose even annoying noises could be incorporated into the meditative state. I hope I can learn more about that aspect. I have a couple of friends who practice meditation and I’m curious to learn about their early experiences.
We’ll just consider you our investigative reporter into the world of meditation! Your code name is Lois Lane!
Go gett’m Lois!!
Well, I would have felt the same urge and I’ve been meditating for years! It’s something you do have to practice, practice, practice… then practice some more. Some days, I go into such a deep meditation that I won’t even notice my kids jumping on my head. Other days? I sit there and fret about what’s for dinner and did I pay the electric bill. It’s a process. But I’m here to say, it’s WELL worth it. It’s transformed my life in ways I can’t go into here. Best wishes to you and I hope there’s no cart the next time.
Wow, Darla! I’m so encouraged by your words! And it’s impressive how well the art works for you. I must commit to the practicing part. I’d love to get to where you are some day – a transformation. Awesome. I’m looking forward to it.
And the more you practice, the longer you can be in the present moment with a ‘freed’ up mind. It’s changed my life in so many ways, Jean.
Good luck with your venture … and all of us need that to block out the noise of the world.
Thank you, Frank. We live in an incredibly noisy world and I don’t think sticking on headphones and blasting music into one’s ears is the answer to blocking out the noise. I’m seeking something better. I’ll let you know how it works out!
Noisy world is an understatement! Stay determined!!!
Well, I don’t meditate and don’t really find the idea very appealing. I’ve nothing against it – I just don’t know what it would add to my life. I’m healthy and happy and not particularly stressed, and I cope pretty well with the vicissitudes of life. Besides, I figure anyone who can fall asleep peacefully in the middle of George Noory and his Coast-to-Coast loons calculating the date the cosmic hordes are going to arrive to take over the Federal Reserve is in pretty good shape – and that’s exactly what I do.
Actually, I’ll tell you what made all the difference for me – ditching the dayplanner and heels for the boatyard. Physical labor takes care of a lot of mental stress. There’s deep pleasure in watching a thing of beauty emerge, and pelicans make pretty good work mates. A lot of the stress of modern life is a direct result of (Ta-da!) modern life. Getting rid of stressors can be as effective as developing techniques to cope with stress, and I’ve thrown a lot overboard in the past twenty years.
Speaking of getting rid of stressors – that twirp with the cart could go overboard, too. Any chance your instructor was paying him $12.50 an hour to roll that thing, just to give her something to work with?
Awesome, shoreacres. I do agree about the physical labor or strenuous activity part. I can certainly get lost in heavy gardening activities and other strenuous stuff, too. I just don’t think I can get rid of stressors. I have them at work – five days a week. Other ones creep in. And, being the kind of person who ruminates excessively – that’s the thing I need to work on. I hope to combine both activities – enjoyable physical stuff and meditation. I might just turn out to be the calmest person on the planet.
Realistically, Shoreacres is living near the water and works in the sun and elements with seagull flying over head and water lapping and rocking boats – she is in the middle of Nature’s meditations. And all that precise satisfying product once that job is done.(her work is not easy and takes skill) She took a brave leap and found her niche and rhythm.
Many of the rest of us are still struggling. Running, gardening, Yoga, or meditation work for some.
You have to find what works for you. Someone said a long time ago, if your life is busy – full of noise and movement, try something slow and silent.
Today silent is so rare. Even in the national parks. There are studies going on now how that lack of silence is effecting human behavior.
Mindful thinking and living in the moment is hard and takes practice. But I can tell you that life was better when I was really into yoga and meditation.
Thank you, philosopher. I agree – the setting one lives in can make a world of difference.
Congratulations! I’m sure you’ll get great benefits from meditation. If you want to try the extreme sport version, but probably the best way to make a major change in your life, check this out: http://www.dhamma.org
Thank you, Tom. I’m hopeful. I’ll go check out that link.
Boy&Howdy…. you are as funny as all get out!!! Truly. ….I chuckled so much my ribs hurt! Listen, be careful with that meditating stuff…. I tried it in the 70′s and , listen….excessive meditating can cause a dangerous build-up of belly button lint. Really! Gees…mine gotz so bad I had to call roto-rooter!
Uh, oh! I didn’t want to cause pain, Jim! No laughing. Just smile. You tried it in the 70s – what made you stop?
I really didn’t….just stop going to the classes . I thinnk it was the classes that caused the belly button lint. Plus…the Transcendental Meditation group started feeling a little cultish to me.
Yeah, that’s the part I sort of fear – cult-like mentality.
I don’t know, Jean. If “everything is as it should be right now,” then maybe you’re supposed to be “a worrier and a ruminator.” I really believe all of the different personality traits exist for a reason. What if everyone could just clear their minds and let everything go? Would anything ever get fixed? One of your many gifts is the ability to see and be riled up by things most people don’t even notice. I understand that too much anxiety can create health problems (believe me, I understand). But trying to force yourself too far the other way is bound to cause its own issues. That is, if it’s even possible.
As always, your writing is masterful.
Maybe I am – maybe I am destined to wring my inner hands constantly. You always offer another viewpoint that is well worth considering. People need people like me! I can prevent disasters!
Thank you.
Good luck with your new practice. It seems anything that systematically increases our capacity to reflect upon ourselves and the world around us can’t be such a bad thing. I don’t formally meditate myself, but I try and live in a “meditative fashion”, sort of like Franny Glass wandering around mumbling her Jesus prayer.
Thank you, architect, for the words of encouragement. I think the meditation is already helping in that when I get irritated and start to chew on an issue, I stop myself and practice the breathing. At least your meditative fashion method probably keeps annoying people at a safe distance!
The breathing is good. It’s important to think about it, otherwise our breath tends to be shallow. I absolutely fell in love with the guy who taught me how to breath right … my yoga teach.
Thank you for posting this and reminding me about something I really need to incorporate into my life. My mother is a big proponent of meditation and sent me this link from UCLA that you may find useful. http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22
Thank you so much for that link! I was hoping to find something along those lines. Let me know how your meditation efforts go!
Oh, my dear Jean!
It is the price we sensitive souls pay for our creativity… Would you rather be a coarse insensitive dullard?…
Still, good luck with the meditation, there might be a wonderful golden breakthrough on the horizon…
I want to be a creative, energetic, eccentric person with low blood pressure. Is that too much to ask? Thank you, Dave – you put it into perspective for me!
..”creative, energetic, eccentric person with low blood pressure. ”
gees…and here I was striving to be lethargic, laconic with low blood alcohol.
I have yet to do the yoga relaxation pose or meditating without dozing off. I now see why sitting upright in a slightly uncomfortable position is necessary. But hey, even if I end up napping, that’s got to help the anxiety and stress levels as well, right?
I wish I could learn to nap with my eyes open. I’d take advantage of that – oh,yeah.
I found the book, The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield to be very helpful in helping me understand better “thoughts” that come with meditation and how to use them to help you on your path. Perhaps this would be helpful to you. I enjoy your blog and art and appreciate very much the way that you write with such honesty.
Thank you so much, Deborah – those are much appreciated compliments. Since my father’s death and my mother moving here, I’ve lacked a certain amount of emotional energy to do much writing or painting. It’s an unplanned for hiatus, but this, too, will pass.
Anxious since birth (my family attests to this), I’ve tried (prescription) drugs, alcohol (in moderation), meditation, and exercise to limit my anxiety. All worked for a while, but eventually stopped. I now do simple stretching exercises WHILE watching TV. Afterwards, I feel physically and mentally calm. My theory is that the tv keeps my mind mindlessly busy while my body is moving. Anyway, just funny how sometimes you get lucky and find what works for you. It’s also a bit of a soothing to read of others who struggle with calming their anxiety. Good luck!
I love your method! I agree – one size doesn’t fit all. If I can relax by staring at my belly button lint, then so be it! Although, for now, I’ll try the breathing meditation type. I think my belly button is too clean.
I have come to the conclusion that I am ALSO an anxious worrier, and I would have been right with you, concentrating on the distraction instead of all the inner peace crap. Or whatever.
Thanks for explaining how “one of these things is not like the other.” Also, one of the subjects is an animal.
I’m glad I’m not alone in my ruminating. The world needs people like us! Yes – one of the subjects isn’t an animal – it just behaves worse than one.
Oh to be a cat. No one can meditate more deeply than a cat, especially a cat on a nice warm mat.
I get bored easy so this helps me keep my mind occupied i must say you have a pretty awesome blog here. I always had a passion for this, but never had any spare time to do what you do. Keep up the good work. thanks for enlightening me.
Thank you, alina, for the much appreciated compliment! I don’t have a whole lot of spare time anymore. So I’ll be posting erratically, because once in a while, I have something trivial to say.
I love the first picture of the sleeping dog! My dog always calms my breathing and reminds me to make it slow, deep and mindful. Our animals are so good at doing this they almost look like they are dead but no just meditating in their own way.
No kidding – my blood pressure is actually a lot lower when I sit still and pet my dogs for 10 minutes. Wish I could carry them around with me all the time!