In my last blog post, we talked about online support forums and their propensity to drive us down a rabbit hole searching for the answer to our computer or software problems.
Well, this is the forum to end all forums. This is the Mother of All Forums.
I’ve compiled this list of questions and answers to our most vexing and universal technology problems. No need to visit a dozen or more forums, search bleary eyed for solutions, and ultimately leave frustrated, wishing that humanity would fall into Dante’s inferno—or into your backyard fire pit. You’ll want to bookmark this for future reference. Read on.
1. I typed a comment but it’s not showing up!
I’m having the same problem!
So am I!
I am, too, and my cat has a bladder infection!
Etc.
You only THINK you typed a comment. But thinking a smart ass, witty reply isn’t the same thing as actually typing it and clicking “Post Comment,” is it? Stop living inside your head. It’s dark there and the stuff is starting to smell.
2. I can’t upload a video!
I can’t upload a video, either!
Why can’t I upload a video?!
Me, too and why does my washing machine make that awful screeching sound?!
Etc.
No one, absolutely no one, wants to see a chronicling of your trip to Disney World with your four children of the Apocalypse. You might think it’s cute—their terrorizing the other patrons, stumbling through crowds, cotton candy glued to their grubby little mugs, the high-pitched squalling with joy—but the rest of us feel actual pain witnessing these displays. And, rubbing salt into the wound is not an attractive trait. We all struggle with the enduring memory of our childhood jaunt to that colossal money trap and well remember our parents’ attempt to sell us to the nearest childless couple. But to get to the point, uploading videos to overflow the steaming pile already there—well, the Internet does have its limits, you know.
3. I can’t connect to the Internet!
Me neither!
I’ve been trying for hours and I still can’t get a connection!
Will someone please help me get on the Internet and find my spare car keys?
Etc.
Well, you’ve done it again. Your propensity to make YOUR problems OUR problem is getting tiresome. We can’t be responsible for your own inability to form meaningful relationships, to connect with your fellow humans, no matter how often you come back to this forum to complain. Examine your life. Acknowledge that the moment in your infancy when your parents took your binky away for the last time, has scarred you into your adulthood. Don’t tune out, plug in. BE AVAILABLE.
4. My Facebook/Twitter/LinkedIn page doesn’t look the same as it did yesterday!
Neither does mine!
I’ve been complaining about that for weeks!
Same here, and the grocery store is out of the mega size tortilla chips that I need for my mammoth nachos!
Etc.
Things change. Holding onto the past as though it were the comforting, yielding bosom of your favorite grandmother, will only lead to disappointment and despondency. Do you look the same as you did yesterday or two weeks ago? I doubt it. Humans must evolve to survive—to survive global warming, new intestinal bugs, and Windows 7.8 gazillion. Try adapting to the latest look. Try giving in and going with the flow. Admit your powerlessness.
5. Office 2011 stopped working!
Mine has, too!
For three weeks I’ve been complaining and no answer!
Neither is mine and my new pair of running shoes are giving me blisters!
Etc.
Sometimes we all just need a break from the routine, from responsibilities, from obligations. Don’t you ever want to get off this crazy carousel, launch yourself into a deck chair and booze yourself into oblivion? Don’t read too much into this problem you’ve posted here. It’s probably not you or anything to do with you. You’d be surprised at how things just sort of fix themselves if you leave them alone for a while. Then, when they return, they’re either different, but better different, or the same familiar, predictable experience. Neither is bad; it’s all in how you look at it.
……..
You’ve come to the end and you’re complaining that this is too short a list of problems. You don’t understand, do you? All of technology’s problems, in fact, all of life’s problems, can be handled in brevity. In reality, there aren’t that many different problems facing us, whether in romantic relationships, workplace dilemmas, or computer glitches. In actuality, there are only about five to seven. That’s all our tiny nugget brains can handle—any more and we’d implode.
You can watch 50 episodes of Jerry Springer, 50 episodes of Oprah Winfrey, 50 episodes of Ellen, and 2 episodes of Survivor and the problems will all be the same. It doesn’t matter whether you’re camping out on Borneo or appearing on a Hollywood set tackling another guest. You can also waste hours reading the questions and answers on other online forums. But don’t.
Remember, if you insist on checking out other tech support forums besides this one, you can substitute the name of your spouse, mate, boyfriend, girlfriend, dad, mom for any of the nouns in the answers and you’ll have the solution to your relationship, workplace and financial problems. But, again, why venture away from this forum-to-end-all forums? All the answers to what’s troubling your tender heart are here.
Technology, and Some Relationship, Reading
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Sex Offenders Want to Waste Time Online, Too!
You’re exactly right. The paradigms you offer here will carry us through anything. For example, what’s the real difference between:
I typed a comment and it’s not showing up….
and
My microwave isn’t working..
Answer: Mots of the time, there is no difference.You just forgot to punch the “go button”.
And so on.
I will confess: When WordPress goes down, I head straight to Twitter to see what’s up. When Twitter goes down, I head for CNet News or Wired. When Comcast cable goes down, I head for Starbucks. Who says the human animal isn’t capable of adapting?
Fascinating strategy there, girl. I like your approach. Sadly, when I was on Twitter, no one would ever reply. It was hurtful.
Hit me up for $54 yesterday for ink cartridge. I am now making my comments and emails shorter to save ink.
You are hilarious! But every word of yours is priceless – so keep on writing!
I’m not sure why (and I promise I have not boozed myself into oblivion), but this somehow makes me want to exercise (or maybe paint). Sometimes you just have to walk away from the technology.
Yes – before you do serious damage to it!
Totally true. Of course I’m now thinking of using technology forums to replace my magic 8 ball.
Don’t get rid of the 8-ball yet. Technology continues to get more complicated and we need all the tools we can find to help us manage it.
Short of explaining the origins of the Universe this is a pretty good list.
Thank you, lb! I’m working on that post about the Universe as we speak.
Wit and wisdom – a great post to read in the am before facing the world.
Wonderful! I hope it helped a little.
I have nothing more to add, nada-complete #42, done, answers to all. Thanks;)
Perfect! Your answers were right on target. You could do Human Resources work in a company!
I think I’m way too snarky for most HR organizations. They’d send me to HR.
I’ve found that having a geeky son who went to UC Berkeley school of engineering to be the best tech support available.
Can I rent him?
So funny! So funny!
I’ve found when there problems that whistling nonchalantly and pretending you don’t care and leaving the room – walking around outside where the computer cannot sense you – sometimes lets the darn thing heal itself and voila – all better…. go figure…(great mystery of the universe….if you discover the answer they will have to kill you..)
Sometimes when I’m less impatient, I can sit there and watch the rotating globe while I wait for the problem to fix itself. But technology has made me very impatient. My life is measured in seconds now. How sad!
Do piece of plastic shall defeat you! Struggle on! (with lots of company…)
This post has convinced me that you could be the Dear Abby of online forums. Back in the day, in an earlier unfulfilling career when I was a lowly paid cog in the corporate machine, a computer programming bud explained to me that the vast majority of all computer problems are PEBCAC, an acronym for Problem Exists Between Computer And Chair.
I don’t doubt that origin of computer problems – really – but as technology advances I refuse to take complete blame. Remember, IT people are motivated by saving their own stand-around and swill coffee all day jobs. So technology has to be utterly confusing and complicated!
Windows is so confusing to me. That’s why I prefer Apple. apple’s been my home computer since 2000. You know the saying, “Once you have Mac, you can’t go back.”
I have Macs at home and a lousy PC at work. The IT people there would choke if they had to support a Mac.
Are you sure you don’t work for some of these programs?? If not, you ought to sell your responses so they can use them. At least then – when we don’t get an answer, we’ll at least enjoy one helluva good laugh!
I often think I ought to work for them. I’d be the Anti-Forum. I figure if you’re not going to get the answer you want, you might as well get a snarky one.
Thank you SDS, that has been most helpful…
I hope so, Dave! Remember, check back early and often.
This is just the kind of hard-hitting, real, technological help I’ve been trying to find for 3 weeks! Thank you Forum Goddess. Or may I call you Mother?
You may call me anything you like, dear peg, as long as you keep reading here!
I was going to go to a Forum once…… but I couldn’t find my toga.
Toga not required at my forum, Jim!
Hi,
A fantastic post, I did need the laugh and a great way to start the day off (early morning here)
I love your solutions, the tech world is mind boggling, at least now I know where to get the answers.
Thank you, mags!