Glory be! My sister gave me a GPS for Christmas! I confess that news of this gift gave my coworkers quite a chuckle, if not a guffaw. To this day they still won’t let me forget the time I left Pocatello for Boise and ended up in Utah. AND, continued to drive through Utah because I refused to believe the highway sign that said, “Welcome to Utah.”
But no more will I wander through my geography-deficient fog. I’ve selected the British voice to accompany me on my travels. Her name shall be “Agatha.” That name will have the right ring to it when I screech, “Bloody traffic signs, Agatha! Blimey! Once again, I’ve missed the bloody exit to Lowe’s!”
The other day as I was driving around trying to find my way out of a subdivision (damn those cul-de-sacs!), I amused myself by coming up with inventions. Some people text while driving; I think up inventions.
I thought, “I can understand why the moral and ethical Compass never caught on. It was old technology. And most people were confused when the needle pointed to N. They thought it meant “nihilism” or “necromancy.” No one but the most disaffected teenage camper/hiker wanted to go in either of those directions.
Then the brilliant idea hit me. The Moral GPS! Oh, yeah, people. The one invention, besides the indoor toilet, that will save us all from endless humiliation and embarrassment. No more blurting out idiotic and hurtful comments such as,
My invention will also offer multiple speakers’ voices to choose from as well as an attachment mechanism to secure it to your car visor, belt loop or to hang it around your neck.
Folks will find it useful at work when struggling with the moral question of whether to shove their manager down the stairs or steal a 6 month supply of adhesive tape. At home, decisions about the wisdom of shouting support while watching Glenn Beck in front of the 8 year-old will no longer be left to raw emotion. Your Moral GPS will interrupt you before you utter a single word. You’ll hear, “Take a left now” or “Move into the center lane” in a calmly rational voice. Whew! Just in time. Now Johnny can make up his own mind about that blubbering fool on TV.
How the Moral GPS Can Help Specific People
Sarah’s Moral GPS will direct her to more thoughtful commenting. When she begins to criticize Obama for his economic and defense policies, or blurts criticisms about Michelle Obama’s nutrition tips, her GPS voice, the one that sounds like Betty White, will say, “Shut it. No, not the car door. Your mouth.”
I’ve chosen the voice of David Sedaris for the senator. Just at the moment when McCain starts to twitch and break a bead over the mere thought of gay people serving in the military, Sedaris will sing out, “Hush little baby don’t you cry, mama’s gonna sing you a lullaby.” And then McCain’s blood pressure will drop precipitously and he’ll fall into a restful slumber.
The Republican Senator, who seems to lose his way quite a bit, especially on the floors of the Senate, will find his Moral GPS to be his savior. The next time he drives to work, his GPS voice, that of Rhett Butler, will guide him back to the land of cotton, having already coded in the coordinates for South Carolina.
His Moral GPS will guide him to the Walnut-Orange-Walsh neighborhood in nearby Waterbury, one of the most impoverished neighborhoods in Connecticut. His GPS voice, that of Saint Gemma Galgani, patron saint of the poor and unemployed, will say, “Pull over now. Exit the freeway of Life. Exit your BMW. Take two steps forward into the shoes of that guy looking through the dumpster.”
I can’t think of another person who needs a Moral GPS more than the Republican senator from Kentucky. He has lost his way so many times since Obama became the president, it’s a wonder he’s managed to tell his hiney hole from a hole in the ground. Poor thing. His car keeps blocking traffic because he can’t figure out that the green means go forward, not backwards. He often just sits in traffic, creating a huge jam up, because he believes that sitting still is also progress.
His Moral GPS voice, that of Colonel Sanders, will help him find his way back to Kentucky; of course, stopping at KFCs along the way so that McConnell can gather sustenance for more stonewalling once he gets home.
The Moral GPS, possibly a better invention than sliced bread.