Glory be! My sister gave me a GPS for Christmas! I confess that news of this gift gave my coworkers quite a chuckle, if not a guffaw. To this day they still won’t let me forget the time I left Pocatello for Boise and ended up in Utah. AND, continued to drive through Utah because I refused to believe the highway sign that said, “Welcome to Utah.”
But no more will I wander through my geography-deficient fog. I’ve selected the British voice to accompany me on my travels. Her name shall be “Agatha.” That name will have the right ring to it when I screech, “Bloody traffic signs, Agatha! Blimey! Once again, I’ve missed the bloody exit to Lowe’s!”
The other day as I was driving around trying to find my way out of a subdivision (damn those cul-de-sacs!), I amused myself by coming up with inventions. Some people text while driving; I think up inventions.
I thought, “I can understand why the moral and ethical Compass never caught on. It was old technology. And most people were confused when the needle pointed to N. They thought it meant “nihilism” or “necromancy.” No one but the most disaffected teenage camper/hiker wanted to go in either of those directions.
Then the brilliant idea hit me. The Moral GPS! Oh, yeah, people. The one invention, besides the indoor toilet, that will save us all from endless humiliation and embarrassment. No more blurting out idiotic and hurtful comments such as,
“What’s poverty in America today? Well, we just want our stuff.”
My invention will also offer multiple speakers’ voices to choose from as well as an attachment mechanism to secure it to your car visor, belt loop or to hang it around your neck.
Folks will find it useful at work when struggling with the moral question of whether to shove their manager down the stairs or steal a 6 month supply of adhesive tape. At home, decisions about the wisdom of shouting support while watching Glenn Beck in front of the 8 year-old will no longer be left to raw emotion. Your Moral GPS will interrupt you before you utter a single word. You’ll hear, “Take a left now” or “Move into the center lane” in a calmly rational voice. Whew! Just in time. Now Johnny can make up his own mind about that blubbering fool on TV.
How the Moral GPS Can Help Specific People
Sarah Palin
Sarah’s Moral GPS will direct her to more thoughtful commenting. When she begins to criticize Obama for his economic and defense policies, or blurts criticisms about Michelle Obama’s nutrition tips, her GPS voice, the one that sounds like Betty White, will say, “Shut it. No, not the car door. Your mouth.”
John McCain
I’ve chosen the voice of David Sedaris for the senator. Just at the moment when McCain starts to twitch and break a bead over the mere thought of gay people serving in the military, Sedaris will sing out, “Hush little baby don’t you cry, mama’s gonna sing you a lullaby.” And then McCain’s blood pressure will drop precipitously and he’ll fall into a restful slumber.
Jim DeMint
The Republican Senator, who seems to lose his way quite a bit, especially on the floors of the Senate, will find his Moral GPS to be his savior. The next time he drives to work, his GPS voice, that of Rhett Butler, will guide him back to the land of cotton, having already coded in the coordinates for South Carolina.
Glenn Beck
His Moral GPS will guide him to the Walnut-Orange-Walsh neighborhood in nearby Waterbury, one of the most impoverished neighborhoods in Connecticut. His GPS voice, that of Saint Gemma Galgani, patron saint of the poor and unemployed, will say, “Pull over now. Exit the freeway of Life. Exit your BMW. Take two steps forward into the shoes of that guy looking through the dumpster.”
By the way, Beck lives in New Canaan CT, one of the most affluent communities in the U.S., so it’s easy to understand why he wouldn’t be able to find a poor person there.
Mitch McConnell
I can’t think of another person who needs a Moral GPS more than the Republican senator from Kentucky. He has lost his way so many times since Obama became the president, it’s a wonder he’s managed to tell his hiney hole from a hole in the ground. Poor thing. His car keeps blocking traffic because he can’t figure out that the green means go forward, not backwards. He often just sits in traffic, creating a huge jam up, because he believes that sitting still is also progress.
His Moral GPS voice, that of Colonel Sanders, will help him find his way back to Kentucky; of course, stopping at KFCs along the way so that McConnell can gather sustenance for more stonewalling once he gets home.
The Moral GPS, possibly a better invention than sliced bread.
:: chuckles ::
hurrah, you’ve done a fine thing SDS with this new gadget of yours. I can think of a few who could use it. One for Christine O’Donnell, now seeing conspiracies abounding to stifle her: a voice that simply intones : “you are not that important dear. Get a job.”
Hilarious, Sherry. I love it. Her voice: The Voice of Reason.
Actually, we do have a moral GPS — it’s our conscience.
All people — regardless of whether they are Sarah Palin types or Barack Obama types, or anything in between — can use this, but humans being human, we frequently don’t.
Also, being human types, we will continue to disagree with one another. Our conscience allows us to do so graciously, politely, and respectfully in so far as we can. (I say the latter because there are some people in the world whose consciences are so subverted that they plow through other people’s lives and wreak irrevocable damage — Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin from history come to mind.)
I smile at your naming the GPS Agatha — we had a rooster once we named Agatha Crispy.
Yes, so true. If we choose to use it. “Agatha Crispy!” Sweet.
i feel your pain. i can get lost in a closet.
i love your idea of a moral gps, and i would add one more person who could use one–little randy paul. the voice on his would be that of an ungroomed french poodle to match that matted curly mess atop his head. the barking should commence every time little randy opens his big stupid mouth.
i would also suggest one other improvement to the device. i think the first warning should be vocal, but after that, there should be taser shocks of increasing intensity after each infraction. oh, and when it reaches that stage, the tasing should be televised.
Your enhancements to my little invention are critical. They will definitely be part of MGPS 1.0.
Ok, first, I admit I did laugh out loud when you denied you were in Utah! I like you even more for that! Sounds like you’ll be having fun with Agatha and all the British talk!
I’m gonna steer clear of your examples because I desperately try not to publicly comment on politics, BUT I LOVE the idea of your moral GPS! If you ever decide to market it, I think I’ll invest. Heck, I can think of a few dozen people I’d like to give it to already!
Keep the inventions coming, Jean!
Not only denied being in Utah, but kept driving for another hour! Thank you for stopping by, Amber – your company is always appreciated!
Just talked with someone today who I’d like to give that moral GPS to. A gal with no sense of right and wrong. I’m tellin’ you, it’ll be a best seller!
Nothing to do with people like that except to walk/run away from them or limit your exposure to them. Too many of them in this world – but I think they end up pretty lonely and alone. No self-awareness, I guess. It takes huge will power to avoid going at them!
Sis got one for X-mas. It list all the dirt roads and trails and totally left off the new CA4 bypass, the MAIN road through here in the Sierra. Don’t think a moral compass would give a true reading here being within 100 miles of the bay area. Just the gunmetal in Stocton would screw the thing up.
I guess your sis has to stick to the dirt roads and trails, then. : ) The ice cream will be melted by the time she gets back from the grocery store. Thanks for stopping by Demo!
My GPS is named Gladys. I dont know why, it just seems right.
I once saw Beck speak live. Don’t judge me, I was getting paid overtime. Ok, judge me – it gave me dry heaves, and despite the fact I was paying for a family vacation with the money I earned – I felt dirty.
McCain…wouldn’t his GPS just constantly remind him “that isn’t the direction you were going five minutes ago”?
No judging at all, Oma – I hope the Ajax and scouring pad took off the spit that landed on you during one of his blubbering hysterical rants. And you’re right about McCain. I’ll reprogram the MGPS when I add in that awesome taser feature that nonnie suggested.
I loved this post — funny, insightful, and well-written. The only problem I can see with your Moral GPS is one I’m sure you’ve already thought about: The people who need it the most are the same people who are least likely to even consider using it. Isn’t that always the way?
Happy New Year!
Well, I guess you’re right. Therefore, they will be required to use one. It’ll be the LAW. (Mine.) So very glad you stopped by!
I love this idea! but I think they might use a different map than the one I’d recommend for them. You just need to get it to market with your own maps before someone else does!
I was thinking about this post a bit more, and it occurred to me that whenever I use my GPS (as opposed to written directions) I can never remember how I got to my destination. And so I have to use it again to get home.
In that regard, I think the people you mention already have a rudimentary moral GPS, called ideology. It tells them where they need to go without them having to use their own moral guide, and not having to remember or think about one troublesome thing.
Excellent comments, jron. You’re right about the ideology thing. It just drowns out common sense and decency.
And that’s so true about the GPS – you’re right – we depend on the voice to get us to our destination that we don’t think about how we got there. I’m in big trouble.
Glad you stopped by, jron!
I loved this post and nonnie’s improvements are spot on! I only have one comment to add about the more conventional GPS system: the world is round, right? We’ll get there.
Love that comment! (“the world is round…”) For travelers that’s a good thing. For the people I listed in my post, it’s not – it just means they’ll get right back to where they started, when I’d rather than get halfway somewhere else and not return.
Testify!
Maybe the Moral GPS could have a fail safe system which would lead those it was unable to assist to a deserted island and allow them the opportunity to test the validity of “Lord of the Flies” vs. “Atlas Shrugged” first hand.
Right on, totallyt! And we’ll televise it!
I totally understand your Utah denial. I had to drive from Indiana to wyoming and my husband told me which expressway to get on and just “keep going west.” It was my mantra. I made the trip just fine until it was time to go home and got on the expressway, going West. Was stuck on it for an hour too.
Sarah Palin’s GPS, should just speak every time she opens her mouth. It would say, “Now, Sarah, just shut it.”
Hi, Sheryl!
Go west, young woman! Oh, yeah, I’ve been there, too. But a couple of winters ago, my sister and I navigated quite well, with the help of a GPS, all the way from Idaho to Texas – the only times we did get lost always happened at the end of the evenings’ travel when we’d try to find the hotel. Our GPS was quite patient with us.
So glad you stopped by!